On Thursdays, my 9 to 11 class doesn't meet, which is awesome. I come home from early morning ROTC stuff, take off my uniform, and do homework, watch the tele, and relax for a bit. Yesterday, I decided to clean. And, boy did I ever. I turned on Pandora, cranked it loud, and went to town. I cleaned the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, and managed four loads of laundry. Oddly, I enjoy cleaning when it's on my own terms. I get mildly irritated when someone tells me to clean up after myself. I'm a grown adult, I know how to clean. After a good hour and a half of cleaning and organizing, I put my uniform back on and head to class.
Now, you have to understand... the tension in my apartment is at a terrible, yet hilarious level. It's at that point where nothing is a surprise, you laugh, and move on. I had organized all of the DVDs on one shelf of our tele stand- There was a clear separation between one roommate's discs and the other's, but they were right next to each other. Well, apparently, that was too close. One roommate had separated hers, and put the others on the complete opposite side of the stand. I saw that, and was floored. Like, I dropped the f-bomb, and may have moved the rest of her stuff to "her side." Why not, right? If our discs weren't good enough for hers, I'll just put everything of hers next to her discs (cleaning supplies, and other household things). I don't know why that irritated me so much, but it did. I just kept thinking, "sorry our DVDs aren't up to your standard and can't be next to yours." Pissed. I sat on the floor, reminding myself that it was petty, didn't matter, and I just needed to move on. BUT WHY DID IT MATTER THAT OUR DVDs WERE NEXT TO HERS? It doesn't matter, and it shouldn't matter, and I think that's what irritated me.
I felt the anger bubbling inside of me. I talked myself into calming down and just paced around the living room for a little. Side story, a four months ago, I was in the ER. The bills totaled over $2,000 and I was in a panic about how I was going to pay for that, school, and my living means. I sent in a request for financial aid a few weeks ago, and received the reply letters from Harborview yesterday. I decided to open those after the DVD snafu. The first was a bill, but it had my previous balance on it. My stomach dropped, thinking that they didn't award me any aid. I opened the second letter, which was addressed very kindly, and continued to say that I was awarded 100% financial scholarship. I can't even express how grateful I am for that.
What is the blessed unrest, besides the newest (amazing) Sara Bareilles album? It's actually an amazing poem that, I think, plays well into this. "There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. … No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."
I guess the roundabout purpose for this post was a quarter ranting and three-quarter gratitude and humility. I need to stop being so easily irritated by ridiculous things like reorganized DVDs or a shoe rack (that's a whole other roommate story. I'll spare you.) I don't believe everything happens for a reason, but I do think there's a reason everything happens. Being granted that 100% coverage was a huge burden off my shoulders, and challenged me to rethink what I stressed about, and what I let affect my relationship with those in my life. I am the only 'me' there will ever be on this earth. I don't want that energy, my expressions, to be negative. I love the line "You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you." I don't want to be negatively motivated by little things, but positively motivated to do good for others and for myself. Whoever chose to give me 100% financial coverage, thank you. You allowed me to reevaluate and continually challenge how I choose to channel my energy- it is the blessed unrest of our daily lives that allows us the opportunity to continually makes those changes that motivate us to be more, be better for others and ourselves, than we were before.
And, you better believe, the next place I live, I'm going solo. And I'm leaving my shoes in a pile at the front door. Suck it.
This is what Cait and I made for dinner last night- quinoa "fried rice" with veggies and pineapple :) Of course, I ate it in my favorite little bowl that I bought in Vietnam!
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